Trump Doubles Down on Times Square Killing Remark

BRENTWOOD, CA—Apparently frustrated by losing lead-story status during the most recent news cycle, Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump has openly admitted to committing multiple murders.

After Los Angeles police detectives announced late last week that they had recovered a knife possibly connected to the 1994 slayings of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, Trump quickly found himself relegated to the back pages of national newspapers, and, on 24 hour cable news channels, the second story after the first commercial break. Even after last week’s bruising debate on Fox News which opened with frank discussion about the size of Trump’s weiner, the former reality TV star came up disappointingly short on coverage for the week.

On Saturday morning, Trump scrambled to regain his stranglehold on national discourse by holding a hastily arranged press conference and announcing that he had committed many heinous murders, including those of former business partners, Wall Street investors, and several transvestite hookers. The business mogul had previously alluded to only a single killing in Times Square.

But in his characteristically strident style, Trump openly derided O.J. Simpson, dismissing the former NFL star and accused killer as “a complete amateur.”

“Look, I love O.J. I really do. He and I have always been great, great friends,” said Trump. “I personally donated hundreds of thousands of dollars for his so-called ‘dream team’ defense, which quite frankly almost turned out to be a nightmare. But look, he only butchered two people. Two. I mean, come on. I’ve slaughtered dozens of people. Dozens. With my own hands. Which are quite large, I can promise you.”

The initial response from journalists attending the presser “was tremendous,” a Trump aide later claimed. Fox News’ Sean Hannity immediately committed to a two hour-long prime time special delving into the bloody crimes. And MSNBC has announced that it will finally reveal the number of deaths Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton is responsible for.


Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

Third Graders Push Back on Trump

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH--The National Coalition of American Third Graders released a statement this afternoon asking that political pundits refrain from comparing Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump to third graders. The Coalition's statement comes in apparent response to remarks made earlier in the day by former GOP nominee Mitt Romney at University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics Forum, when Romney referred to Trump's "absurd third grade theatrics."

Said Coalition spokesperson nine year-old Madison Parker, "We third graders get good citizenship marks on our progress reports. We play well with others, cooperate with classmates, listen with our ears, don't call others bad names, and share our crayons. Cafeteria food fights are rare," she added. 

In fact, if grown-ups are looking for an age group to scapegoat when attempting to describe Trump's juvenile behavior, Parker suggested they look to junior high students. "My big brother is in seventh grade, and he is disrespectful and uses bad words," noted Parker.

"Do not!" shouted Tanner Parker from the back seat when reached for comment. 

"Do too!" Ms. Parker further claimed.

This latest controversy comes just one week after prison inmates rights activists demanded that Republicans stop characterizing Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton as a criminal. "She ain't one of us until that bitch be wearing an orange jump suit," insisted Robert Wayne Nix, who is currently serving time at a Federal SuperMax.

"Oooooh, he said a bad word!" Ms. Parker later observed in a email response sent from her mother's iPhone.

Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

My Blogs...And Welcome to 'em

Spent part of the afternoon tidying up my various Blogger accounts, and reflecting on my side gig as a hack writer.

Since 2007, I’ve started four different blogs:

The first one, “Switch 2 Plan B,” I ginned up as an outlet to write about my life in the fire service. Humorous anecdotes. Trenchant observations. That sort of thing. Unfortunately, in 2011, I forgot to renew the effin' domain name on time and subsequently lost it. (I still have access to the posts—all 393 of them—on my Blogger dashboard, but it’s no longer publicly viewable.)

A few days after “Switch” disappeared from the internet, I was back in business with my current site, “The Damage is Done.” I like the new title better anyway.

But sometime last year, I realized I had slowed down with the amusing fire house stories and adulterated the site with rants on politics and culture. 

Jesus, no one wants to see that.

So I started “I Just Drive a Truck,” and have since exiled my crackpot political thoughts to that domain.

So today I cleaned out “The Damage is Done,” and purged the politics. You’re welcome. From now on, it’ll be reserved for work stuff, mostly, and other witty but innocuous observations. I may even sort through the archives and repost some of the old “Switch 2 Plan B” pieces. Because, let’s be honest, I peaked way back then.

Since 2007 across these four blogs I’ve posted over 500 pieces, received over 83,500 page hits, and garnered more than1300 comments…mostly “please stop writing” kind of remarks. Those stats are really unimpressive in the blogger world, by the way.

And at one time I even had one creepy stalker leaving disturbing comments.

Wait, what’s that? “What about the fourth blog?” you ask. Oh it’s still floating around out there somewhere. Good luck finding it…

Apologia et Negatio

Many years ago, I managed to deftly parlay six years of college education into a job driving a truck. My rig is a 35 ton, 53 foot-long '98 KME with a Caterpillar motor and Allison transmission. 

The nature of my particular job is such that, although oftentimes I'm incredibly busy, at other times I'm pretty much free to muse about life's great issues.

And suffice it to say I've seen a few things in my line of work.

I have an MA in English and a minor in U.S. history, but as I said, that was years ago. I also use to teach at the university level, but only for about three years or so. That said, you’re still going to see a boatload of grammatical errors here. I guarantee it.

I've maintained a couple of different blogs over the past seven  years or so, but I wanted to establish a new site to post my thoughts on current events, media, history, pop culture, or whatever other random flight of ideas might come to me.

I fully appreciate that posting opinions online is an act of incredible hubris.

Gall, even.

And I also fully acknowledge upfront that I surely must lack your intellectual heft.

Because—hey—what would I know? 

I just drive a truck...

brc

06/29/15