Saturday, March 12, 2016

Trump Doubles Down on Times Square Killing Remark

BRENTWOOD, CA—Apparently frustrated by losing lead-story status during the most recent news cycle, Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump has openly admitted to committing multiple murders.

After Los Angeles police detectives announced late last week that they had recovered a knife possibly connected to the 1994 slayings of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, Trump quickly found himself relegated to the back pages of national newspapers, and, on 24 hour cable news channels, the second story after the first commercial break. Even after last week’s bruising debate on Fox News which opened with frank discussion about the size of Trump’s weiner, the former reality TV star came up disappointingly short on coverage for the week.

On Saturday morning, Trump scrambled to regain his stranglehold on national discourse by holding a hastily arranged press conference and announcing that he had committed many heinous murders, including those of former business partners, Wall Street investors, and several transvestite hookers. The business mogul had previously alluded to only a single killing in Times Square.

But in his characteristically strident style, Trump openly derided O.J. Simpson, dismissing the former NFL star and accused killer as “a complete amateur.”

“Look, I love O.J. I really do. He and I have always been great, great friends,” said Trump. “I personally donated hundreds of thousands of dollars for his so-called ‘dream team’ defense, which quite frankly almost turned out to be a nightmare. But look, he only butchered two people. Two. I mean, come on. I’ve slaughtered dozens of people. Dozens. With my own hands. Which are quite large, I can promise you.”

The initial response from journalists attending the presser “was tremendous,” a Trump aide later claimed. Fox News’ Sean Hannity immediately committed to a two hour-long prime time special delving into the bloody crimes. And MSNBC has announced that it will finally reveal the number of deaths Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton is responsible for.

Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

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