Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Clinton’s Historic Win a Pyrrhic Victory

NEW YORK—Hillary Clinton declared victory in the Democratic presidential race Tuesday night,  laying claim as the first woman nominated for the office in US history.

But according to many news analysts, her win—and that distinction—may arrive stillborn.

“Terms like ‘female’ or ‘woman’ are now irrelevant,” said Harvard senior chair of gender expression studies Frank Johnson. “Biological determinants such as XX chromosomes are antiquated notions, the moribund artifacts of white male hierarchical oppression.”

Indeed, New York City recently enacted laws that threaten draconian fines for businesses that fail to recognize a minimum of 31 different gender identities, including bi-gendered, agender, pangender, genderqueer, gender blender, gender bender, person of transgender experience, and two spirit. “It was a huge victory for us,” said Lawrence “Little Badger” Waupoose, a spokesperson for Anishinaabe Nation who identifies as two spirit and currently resides in Queens.

The landmark New York legislation was prompted in part by a surprise move earlier this year by scientific think-tank and retail giant Target, which declared gender identity irrelevant in regards to personal privacy. The merchandiser is said to have taken its cue from scientists working at social network FaceBook, which in 2014 discovered some 51 new gender options.

So what does all this mean for Clinton and her run for the White House? “Not much,” observed Professor Johnson. “True gender equality will not be achieved until all 31or 53 of the possible gender identities have been represented in the Oval Office.” Based on these new distinctions, the United States will not be able to claim any meaningful progress towards gender equality for another 124 years, or the year 2140, at the soonest.

And the next fight for social justice already looms on the horizon. Representatives of eleven other Federally protected classes—which include race, color, age, disability, national origin, and marital status—are all lining up to claim the right to participate fully in national politics. When the various gender classifications are multiplied by these other protected classes, the possible combinations are exponential. “We don’t have a number yet,” said Yale theoretical mathematician Peter Pierce.

Meanwhile, deep inside the Beltway rapidly shrinking members of a Republican #NeverTrump group have questioned the relevance of such criteria in evaluating the suitability of candidates as potential leaders of the free world. But Democratic leaders were quick to dismiss them as science deniers. "They're science deniers," said DNC Chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz. "I dismiss them."

In a recent one-on-one, sit-down interview with news anchor-turned-documentarian Katie Couric, the new Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton confided that she self-identifies as a female who always tells the truth at Congressional hearings, while her husband, former President Bill Clinton, identifies most closely as a serial rapist.

Correction: An earlier version of this article incorrectly identified Ms. Wasserman Schultz as being agender. She is, in fact, a giant tool.

Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

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