Wednesday, August 10, 2016

U.S. Secret Service Investigates Trump 2nd Amendment Remarks

WILMINGTON, NC—The United States Secret Service awoke this morning to find outraged Democrats demanding that GOP nominee Donald Trump be investigated for remarks he made at recent campaign rally.

After yet another epic night of drinking and whoring, the U.S. Secret Service confirmed that it has “one hell of a headache today” and cannot even remember if it attended the controversial Trump event, even though it is tasked with providing protection to presidential candidates. 

“Last night is pretty much a blur,” the agency conceded in a press release today. An internal investigation is being launched to determine whether any weapons were discharged during Tuesday night’s drunken slut-fest at various local motels.

Although the Secret Service managed to tweet about Trump’s controversial comments late yesterday, the agency claimed this morning that it cannot recall posting anything on social media. “We were pretty fucked up,” said one agent who asked to remain anonymous. “The last thing we really remember is sexting with Huma Abedin.”

Trump campaign staffers have also been working to damage-control yesterday’s events, vigorously denying that Trump’s remarks should be construed as any sort of threat. “He simply meant that Second Amendment advocates would vote to block any anti-gun laws proposed by Clinton,” said Deputy Campaign Manager Michael Glassier while trying to keep a straight face.

The Trump team was also quick to point out that during Hillary Clinton’s 2008 presidential bid she cited the 1968 assassination of Robert Kennedy as the reason she remained hopeful despite trailing far behind Obama. At the time, Clinton supporters praised her for her optimism and perseverance. “Whatever it takes to get a woman into the White House,” said her campaign manager.

The Secret Service has promised to take two Alka-Seltzer and look into the allegations against Trump.

Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...