Trump to Nominate Guy Named Bob for Supreme Court

Washington, D.C.—In yet another apparent inexplicable reversal of political direction, President Trump has announced that he will forego selecting a traditional conservative to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, and instead submit as his nominee a guy named Bob.

No last name was given.

After Kennedy’s surprise announcement Wednesday, Republicans publicly rejoiced at the notion of consolidating conservative gains in the Supreme Court, only to see their hopes dashed when Trump Tweeted his intentions early Thursday morning.

Media outlets scrambled to find out more about the nominee’s legal and personal background but so far have come up with little. “We know his name is Bob, he lives in Topeka, Kansas, he’s married, has two kids, and mows his lawn every Saturday,” said Martin Baron, editor for the Washington Post. “He appears to be excruciatingly average.”

Democrats, who were giddy over the prospect of a bruising battle during confirmation hearings and the chance to further drag national discourse into the gutter, are likewise deeply disappointed.

“We were looking forward to dragging the nominee—any nominee—through the mud,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “His private sex life, brainless college term papers, grainy black and white photos of him checking into a motel with a transvestite hooker—any sordid tidbit was going to be fair game.”

California Congresswoman Maxine Waters postponed a press conference scheduled for later today, but those close to the Representative said she had planned to roll out a comprehensive program of relentless harassment consisting mostly of following the nominee around and shouting at him with a megaphone.

But in the absence of a polarizing nominee for the Supreme Court, both parties are at a lost as to what to do next.

When Trump first announced he would run for president as a Republican, many political observers were left scratching their heads. After all, his professed views on various issues seemed more of a pastiche of liberal, moderate, and conservative stances. Politco described his positions as "eclectic, improvisational and often contradictory.” And MSNBC host Joe Scarborough once commented that Trump is essentially more like a "centrist Democrat" on some key issues.

Now the nation is left guessing who and what Bob is.

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Satan Announces “Special Place in Hell” Completely Full

FURNACE CREEK, CA—In a surprise press conference late Thursday, Satan announced that the “Special Place in Hell” is now completely full.

Noting a dramatic increase in “mortals consigning each other to the innermost circle of eternal damnation,” the Devil said he had little choice but to close this most exclusive section of the netherworld for the foreseeable future.

Lucifer blamed social media—particularly Facebook and Twitter—for the spiraling numbers of humans bound for everlasting torment, as personal invective and vitriol descended to depths not seen since the last election.

“People don’t just unfriend—they condemn,” lamented the Prince of Darkness.

This past week’s controversy regarding immigration policy “was really just the final nail in the coffin,” he added.

The ageless catch-phrase “there’s a special place in hell for ____” gained new life in 2016 when former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, while stumping for presidential candidate Hilary Clinton, used the line to shame any woman who strayed from “I’m With Her” groupthink. More recently, Peter Navarro, trade advisor to President Trump, also claimed there was a special place in hell awaiting Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (although it was later pointed out that the PM already had to endure a concert by Canadian recording artists Nickleback).

Coveted space in the Special Place has long been reserved for hundreds of self-important celebrities, politicians from both parties, smug cable news commentators, and that complete tool driving the lifted pick-up truck tailgating you with his high-beams on.

But for now, the Devil is in the details, as he is faced with the daunting task of accommodating millions of souls elsewhere in Hades. “Those deemed to have committed less egregious offenses will be asked to wait in purgatory for several millennia,” explained Beelzebub. “But the more serious sinners will be forced to sit through an entire junior high school show choir recital.”

And for those merely unfriended on Facebook? They may just have to wait an eternity before they get their turn at “Wailing and gnashing of teeth.”

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As reported by “I Just Drive a Truck.” For more information, read our apology and disclaimer here...