Wednesday, December 21, 2016

As Inauguration Looms, High Rise Owners Brace for Record Number of Suicides

New York—Soon after the Black Thursday stock market crash of October 1929 that triggered this country’s Great Depression, popular humorist Will Rogers quipped that “"When Wall Street took that tail spin, you had to stand in line to get a window to jump out of.”

Now it seems as if history may repeat itself.

With the inauguration of Donald Trump less than a month away, property management companies for high rise buildings across the country have reported a significant spike in suicide-related inquiries.

From New York to San Francisco, landlords for some of the nation’s tallest apartment, hotel, and office space skyscrapers have been inundated daily with phone calls from distraught liberals asking about access to top story windows and rooftop penthouses.

“It’s been non-stop since November,” said Ahmed Kazari, owner of the Manhattan-based First Step Properties Group. “They want to know how many stories our buildings are, if the windows can be easily opened, if there’s a ledge—that sort of thing.”

Mental health experts speculate that this looming uptick in suicides may be exacerbated by the more recent phenomenon of short-term rental apps such as AirBnB, by providing easily accessible, modestly-priced alternatives to leasing office space or checking into upscale hotels. 

One Upper East Side home-sharing host became alarmed when a Clinton supporter called, sobbing. “The renter said the window sash was stuck and she wouldn’t be able to squeeze through on January 20th,” reported Émile Durkheim, who sublets his Fifth Avenue loft boasting a breath-taking view of New York’s Central Park. “Obviously she had been drinking a lot of Napa Valley Single Oak Reserve, so I called the police immediately.”

Not one to miss out on a lucrative business opportunity, the president-elect himself is offering attractive package deals and price-per-square foot discounts at Trump Tower in Midtown. The 58-story mixed-use skyscraper “affords the perfect location for your final destination,” claims the newest promotional brochure.

At the Centers for Disease Control, analysts are projecting a giant leap in suicide rates for January, but concede that there may be little they can do to prevent it. “The safety pins just aren’t working,” said one grim-faced psychiatrist.

In major metropolitan centers across the country, similar stories of suicide-related inquiries have been reported—sometimes with a regional twist. In Seattle, prospective jumpers have voiced concern that seasonal rainfall may make precipices prematurely slippery. Heavy rains may make it difficult for individuals to pause for final reflection on building ledges, as that Northwest city typically averages 5.2 inches of precipitation in January.

In the uber-liberal beach town of Santa Monica, California, Hollywood executives scramble for space at the relatively few buildings over three stories in height. “I may have to go further inland,” lamented one screenwriter and early Bernie Sanders supporter who asked to remain anonymous. “I really wanted that ocean view.” 

High rises in Century City, Mid-Wilshire, and even Pico-Robertson are all being considered as viable options for Democrats and Green Party voters who procrastinated on their exit plans.

Authorities in San Francisco, Chicago, Boston, and Burlington are likewise bracing for a busy New Year.

Still, many people in those demographics dismissed by openly contemptuous political strategists and smarmy media talking heads during the past election season seem largely unmoved regarding the potential fallout. Millions of voters living in the so-called “fly-over states” say they find it difficult to muster much sympathy. 

“They’re welcome to cling to my Bible on their way down,” said one Wisconsin resident.


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Saturday, September 24, 2016

Voter Fraud Scheme Elects Dead Candidate

DENVER, CO—A voter fraud scheme in Colorado appears to have backfired on the perpetrators, after hundreds of registered dead voters cast ballots for Shane Walsh in that state’s senate race instead of incumbent Democrat Felicia Torres.

Democrats have long dismissed GOP concern over voter fraud, election tampering, and voter ID safeguards, and openly ridiculed party leaders who have called for investigations. “The whole thing is preposterous,” said Huffington Post contributor Daylin Leach in a recent column.

But an actual journalist working for CBS affiliate KCNC-TV in Denver has uncovered multiple instances of dead citizens voting months, and in some cases even years, after their deaths, a revelation that calls into question safeguards designed to prevent such occurrences.

Reporter Brian Maass pointed out that voter fraud is important because often times a race is decided by a slim margin. In 2002 for example, Colorado’s 7th Congressional district came down to 121 votes out of more than 175,000 that were cast.

In this year’s hotly contested senate race, sitting Democrat Felicia Torres was in a virtual dead heat with her Republican challenger, who has run on a platform of lower taxes and healthcare reform.

Democratic party operatives with close ties to Torres believed they had secured the votes of hundreds of dead people, but the reanimated zombies broke with the liberal party line and instead cast ballots for former King County Sheriff’s deputy and fellow walker Shane Walsh.

“Well, we didn’t see that coming,” said one campaign staffer being led away in handcuffs.

Walsh was unavailable for comment.

(CBS4’s Brian Maass confronts voter fraud suspect Sarilu Sosa-Sanchez)

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Proposed Law Would Let Suspects Shoot First

CHARLOTTE, NC—Under intense pressure from Black Lives Matter leaders, U.S. House of Representatives congressman Arthur N. Chamberlain (D, North Carolina) has introduced the so-called “First Shot” bill (H.R. 4999) which would mandate that citizens stopped by police officers be allowed to shoot first before officers can return fire.

Under the proposed law, police would be required to keep their service weapon holstered until suspects were able to get off the first round, after which point the officers could then engage.

“This bill is being introduced to give suspected criminals a fair chance and eliminate confusion at potential crime scenes,” explained Congressman Chamberlain. “For far too long, our communities have had to rely solely on unreliable eyewitness accounts to contradict incontrovertible physical evidence as a means to justify rioting and looting,” Chamberlain said. “This law should clear things up.”

Black Lives Matter leaders have long complained that suspects—particularly those in poor neighborhoods—are not afforded adequate time to reach for, aim, and shoot their weapons at police officers prior to being apprehended. “It’s necessitated the whole hands-up-don’t-shoot counter-narrative,” explained one BLM organizer, who declined to identify himself.

The First Shot legislation, also know as Michael Brown’s Law, was immediately praised by George Soros, the Hungarian-born billionaire who apparently has nothing better to do than interfere with the political and legal system of the United States. According to the Washington Post, the elderly socialist who advocates federalizing the police force gave upwards of $33 million to fund and mobilize various grass-roots activist groups comprising the Black Lives Matter movement. Soros’ non-profit “Open Society Foundation” has helped underwrite riots, looting, arson, assaults, and even murders across the country, from Ferguson to Dallas. “Still, we’re still not getting enough traction on this,” Soros lamented in a recently hacked internal memo. 

The First Shot law comes on the heels of the latest round of rioting in this country. On September 20 in Charlotte, North Carolina, a black police officer shot and killed an armed black man who brandished a gun and refused to comply with lawful orders to drop the weapon. These facts were announced at a subsequent press conference by Kerr Putney, the city’s black chief of police.
Regardless, protesters took to the streets for two consecutive nights of rioting, during which time a CNN reporter was assaulted on live TV, a photographer was knocked down and almost dragged into a bonfire, a white man was beaten and kicked in parking garage by a crowd of black men, and four police officers were injured even after they rescued a protester who was shot and gravely wounded. “We out like the Taliban,” proclaimed one jubilant protester in a FaceBook video.

On Wednesday, President Barak Obama urged that “local law enforcement should find ways to calmly and productively engage those protesting."

Initial reaction to the proposed law suggests that police chiefs across the country are divided on changing the rules of engagement. “I'm not concerned," said LAPD Chief Irvin Irving. “Gang-bangers are notoriously bad shots. Instead of squaring up or assuming a basic combat-stance, they like to hold their Glocks sideways because they think it looks ghetto.” But Sheriff Richard O’Shay, Cochise County, AZ, warned that, “a criminal could get lucky and actually hit a patiently waiting deputy. You never know.”

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Monday, September 12, 2016

Clinton’s Chronic Cough “Evolves” into a More Nuanced Pneumonia

 CHAPPAQUA, NY--In response to persistent rumors regarding the health of Hillary Clinton, her campaign staff announced today that the chronic cough suffered by the Democratic nominee has “evolved into a more nuanced case of pneumonia.”

Democrats have long claimed moral high ground by explaining how their past positions have “evolved” over time, implying a lack of Darwinian forward progress on the part of Republican neanderthals.

Perhaps the most famous example of this evolution occurred in 2015, when Democrats—including Barak Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Tom Daschle, and scores of senators all of whom had supported the Defense of Marriage Act—reversed their position and quickly accused non-conforming conservatives of being "unenlightened knuckle-draggers."

Today’s announcement by the Clinton campaign claims that the frontrunner’s mysterious ailment is simply the most recent example of liberal progressivism.

What started out as a chronic cough due to seasonal allergies (which Clinton has said she suffers from at this same time every year), had, by last Sunday, evolved into dehydration, which in turn rapidly progressed to an apparent syncopal event. After briefly retreating to her daughter’s nearby apartment, Clinton later emerged with renewed vigor and a belated announcement that she actually had pneumonia. Later, it was added that many of her campaign staff had likewise evolved to pneumonia.

At this accelerated rate, Clinton’s health is now on track to transform into some progressive medical disorder well in advance of her Republican rival Donald Trump, who has stalled out at high cholesterol.

Still, some conservative commentators are unimpressed. The Daily Wire’s Ben Shapiro said  
“Hillary's admitted health problems have been serious and well documented. She has fainted, fallen and seriously injured herself, been treated for blood clots, suffered a serious concussion, and just a few months ago told the FBI that repeated memory blackouts kept her from remembering key details about her time as secretary of state. Then there was last week's troubling coughing spell, one of at least a dozen or so over the course of this campaign….We were…told it was allergies—why the coughing spells in February then?”
But many of the same reporters who scrutinized the health records of Senator John McCain and questioned his suitability during his presidential run, have since said that they have “moved on” from stories regarding Clinton's health, progressing past any new revelations as being “old news.”

(Clinton, seen here helping her Secret Service detail climb stairs)

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Players' Protests Spread Far Beyond NFL

KANKAKEE, IL—Controversial protests staged by National Football League players during preseason and opening day games have apparently spread well beyond the NFL.

In Kankakee, Illinois, just moments after the Kroger Grocery Store opened for the day, grocery clerk Willie Frissel refused to check out the first customer of the day, instead taking a knee for the better part of three minutes. He later said that he did so out of solidarity with NFL players protesting “oppression in this country.” The customer, who was attempting to purchase several frozen entrees and some orange juice, instead left the store empty-handed and somewhat confused. A spokesperson for Kroger said they were aware of the incident but as of yet had not decided whether or not to discipline the employee.

Similar impromptu protests took place across the over the country this past weekend, including at convenience  stores, fast food drive-ups, and retail outlets. In one of the more bizarre instances, an Eden Glen mortuary hearse arrived 20 minutes late to a funeral.

In New York City, during the musical overture prior to the opening curtain of Broadway hit “Hamilton,” the entire horn section refused to play a single note. And perhaps more noticeably, during the subsequent opening scene, Abidemi Abimbola, understudy to the Aaron Burr role, sat down the entire time, refusing to dance or sing. A whirling extra nearly stumbled over him at one point.

On Sunday, numerous NFL players showed their support of San Francisco second-string quarterback Colin Kaepernick by kneeing, sitting, raising fists, or generally fidgeting, with many of the players vying for on-air time with sportscasters after the games. At one point, as many as a dozen players lined up and waited to be interviewed by CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson.

In Seattle, Miami Dolphins players Arian Foster, Michael Thomas, Jelani Jenkins and Kenny Stills all knelt. However, when Stills began to stand back up after the national anthem he strained a hamstring and will actually have sit out the next few games entirely.

Chief’s Marcus Peters, Patriots’ Martellus Bennett and Devin McCourty, and Titan’s Jurrell Casey, Wesley Woodyard and Jason McCourty all raised their fists in solidarity. And Seahawks cornerback Jeremy Lane, San Francisco safety Eric Reid, and Bronco’s linebacker Brandon Marshall have all assumed various postures of discontent.

On some sidelines, protesting players could not agree on a form of protest, so some sat, while others kneeled, and still others raised fists, either their right or left hand, with or without gloves. On the 49’ers bench, one cornerback even laid down and appeared to be sleeping.

The NFL had sought to blunt the protests by staging elaborate pre-game commemorations of September 11, but many players refused to stand upright for 90 seconds even though 12 black firefighters were among the fallen in the 2001 terrorist attacks.

President Obama quickly praised the well-paid athletes for “their courage,” condemned those fans hoping for display of patriotism, and apologized to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un for no apparent reason.

After a brief visit to New York’s 9-11 memorial on Sunday, Democratic Presidential nominee Hilary Clinton was also seen taking a knee.

But a Clinton campaign staffer later attributed the controversial move to her "seasonal allergies.

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Monday, September 5, 2016

Southern California Fire Department Eliminates Entire Shift

SANTA TERESA, CA—Firefighters serving this sprawling Southern California suburb suspected that something was amiss when they were required to work hundreds of hours of overtime every month, month after month. 

Now their suspicions have been confirmed.

The fire department they work for reverted back to a two-platoon schedule earlier this year but had neglected to inform personnel, according to a memo emailed to all staff late Friday afternoon.

“We’ve eliminated the entire C-shift,” announced Fire Chief James Dante, attributing the lack of communication to a simple administrative error.

Rank-and-file members of the department have grumbled about the sharp increase in forced overtime. But in a surprise move, union president Giacomo Ciacco stood shoulder to shoulder in solidarity with department brass in admonishing firefighters to “Just suck it up.” Said the labor boss, “There are hundreds of guys out there who’d kill to have your job. Stop whining.” 

Added Chief Dante, “Yeah, you big pussies.”

Up until the late 1960s, most full-time fire departments operated on a two-platoon schedule, with firefighters alternating 24 hours on duty and 24 hours off. But as labor laws improved most departments were mandated to move to the current three-platoon system.

However, Santa Teresa firefighters have now been told that reasonable working hours “are a thing of the past.” Explained Ciacco, “That kind of thinking is so 20th century.”

Suppression personnel initially attributed the mandatory overtime to the department’s failure to hire to keep pace with retirements. But the department apparently never had plans to replace those retirees.

“It figures,” said one fire engineer, who declined to be identified.

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Sunday, September 4, 2016

Residents Fleeing Wildfire Swallowed Up By “Suspicious” Abyss

CLEVELAND NATIONAL FOREST—Area residents fleeing a wind-driven wildfire plunged into a bottomless chasm opened up during a subsequent earthquake, a U.S. Forest Service spokesman confirmed this morning.

The 7.9 trembler—which occurred shortly after the inferno started—ripped opened up the gaping maw of hell itself and quickly swallowed up those attempting to escape the fast-moving fire front.

While Cal Tech geologist Lucy Jones maintained that severe earthquakes in Southern California have long been predicted, local clergy claimed the timing of two events to be “suspicious.”

“It appears to be cataclysmic in nature,” said Monsignor William O’Mally, assistant to San Bernardino Archdiocese Bishop Gerald Barnes.

Although equestrian ranches along the Ortega Highway were under a mandatory evacuation order, four horsemen on pale mounts were seen calmly sauntering through the Eden Village area of the national preserve.

Forest Service arson investigators have refused to comment on the cause of the fire, which has thus far scorched 666 acres. 

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Wednesday, August 10, 2016

U.S. Secret Service Investigates Trump 2nd Amendment Remarks

WILMINGTON, NC—The United States Secret Service awoke this morning to find outraged Democrats demanding that GOP nominee Donald Trump be investigated for remarks he made at recent campaign rally.

After yet another epic night of drinking and whoring, the U.S. Secret Service confirmed that it has “one hell of a headache today” and cannot even remember if it attended the controversial Trump event, even though it is tasked with providing protection to presidential candidates. 

“Last night is pretty much a blur,” the agency conceded in a press release today. An internal investigation is being launched to determine whether any weapons were discharged during Tuesday night’s drunken slut-fest at various local motels.

Although the Secret Service managed to tweet about Trump’s controversial comments late yesterday, the agency claimed this morning that it cannot recall posting anything on social media. “We were pretty fucked up,” said one agent who asked to remain anonymous. “The last thing we really remember is sexting with Huma Abedin.”

Trump campaign staffers have also been working to damage-control yesterday’s events, vigorously denying that Trump’s remarks should be construed as any sort of threat. “He simply meant that Second Amendment advocates would vote to block any anti-gun laws proposed by Clinton,” said Deputy Campaign Manager Michael Glassier while trying to keep a straight face.

The Trump team was also quick to point out that during Hillary Clinton’s 2008 presidential bid she cited the 1968 assassination of Robert Kennedy as the reason she remained hopeful despite trailing far behind Obama. At the time, Clinton supporters praised her for her optimism and perseverance. “Whatever it takes to get a woman into the White House,” said her campaign manager.

The Secret Service has promised to take two Alka-Seltzer and look into the allegations against Trump.

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Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Clinton’s Historic Win a Pyrrhic Victory

NEW YORK—Hillary Clinton declared victory in the Democratic presidential race Tuesday night,  laying claim as the first woman nominated for the office in US history.

But according to many news analysts, her win—and that distinction—may arrive stillborn.

“Terms like ‘female’ or ‘woman’ are now irrelevant,” said Harvard senior chair of gender expression studies Frank Johnson. “Biological determinants such as XX chromosomes are antiquated notions, the moribund artifacts of white male hierarchical oppression.”

Indeed, New York City recently enacted laws that threaten draconian fines for businesses that fail to recognize a minimum of 31 different gender identities, including bi-gendered, agender, pangender, genderqueer, gender blender, gender bender, person of transgender experience, and two spirit. “It was a huge victory for us,” said Lawrence “Little Badger” Waupoose, a spokesperson for Anishinaabe Nation who identifies as two spirit and currently resides in Queens.

The landmark New York legislation was prompted in part by a surprise move earlier this year by scientific think-tank and retail giant Target, which declared gender identity irrelevant in regards to personal privacy. The merchandiser is said to have taken its cue from scientists working at social network FaceBook, which in 2014 discovered some 51 new gender options.

So what does all this mean for Clinton and her run for the White House? “Not much,” observed Professor Johnson. “True gender equality will not be achieved until all 31or 53 of the possible gender identities have been represented in the Oval Office.” Based on these new distinctions, the United States will not be able to claim any meaningful progress towards gender equality for another 124 years, or the year 2140, at the soonest.

And the next fight for social justice already looms on the horizon. Representatives of eleven other Federally protected classes—which include race, color, age, disability, national origin, and marital status—are all lining up to claim the right to participate fully in national politics. When the various gender classifications are multiplied by these other protected classes, the possible combinations are exponential. “We don’t have a number yet,” said Yale theoretical mathematician Peter Pierce.

Meanwhile, deep inside the Beltway rapidly shrinking members of a Republican #NeverTrump group have questioned the relevance of such criteria in evaluating the suitability of candidates as potential leaders of the free world. But Democratic leaders were quick to dismiss them as science deniers. "They're science deniers," said DNC Chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz. "I dismiss them."

In a recent one-on-one, sit-down interview with news anchor-turned-documentarian Katie Couric, the new Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton confided that she self-identifies as a female who always tells the truth at Congressional hearings, while her husband, former President Bill Clinton, identifies most closely as a serial rapist.

Correction: An earlier version of this article incorrectly identified Ms. Wasserman Schultz as being agender. She is, in fact, a giant tool.

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Saturday, March 12, 2016

Trump Doubles Down on Times Square Killing Remark

BRENTWOOD, CA—Apparently frustrated by losing lead-story status during the most recent news cycle, Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump has openly admitted to committing multiple murders.

After Los Angeles police detectives announced late last week that they had recovered a knife possibly connected to the 1994 slayings of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, Trump quickly found himself relegated to the back pages of national newspapers, and, on 24 hour cable news channels, the second story after the first commercial break. Even after last week’s bruising debate on Fox News which opened with frank discussion about the size of Trump’s weiner, the former reality TV star came up disappointingly short on coverage for the week.

On Saturday morning, Trump scrambled to regain his stranglehold on national discourse by holding a hastily arranged press conference and announcing that he had committed many heinous murders, including those of former business partners, Wall Street investors, and several transvestite hookers. The business mogul had previously alluded to only a single killing in Times Square.

But in his characteristically strident style, Trump openly derided O.J. Simpson, dismissing the former NFL star and accused killer as “a complete amateur.”

“Look, I love O.J. I really do. He and I have always been great, great friends,” said Trump. “I personally donated hundreds of thousands of dollars for his so-called ‘dream team’ defense, which quite frankly almost turned out to be a nightmare. But look, he only butchered two people. Two. I mean, come on. I’ve slaughtered dozens of people. Dozens. With my own hands. Which are quite large, I can promise you.”

The initial response from journalists attending the presser “was tremendous,” a Trump aide later claimed. Fox News’ Sean Hannity immediately committed to a two hour-long prime time special delving into the bloody crimes. And MSNBC has announced that it will finally reveal the number of deaths Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton is responsible for.

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Third Graders Push Back on Trump

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH--The National Coalition of American Third Graders released a statement this afternoon asking that political pundits refrain from comparing Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump to third graders. The Coalition's statement comes in apparent response to remarks made earlier in the day by former GOP nominee Mitt Romney at University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics Forum, when Romney referred to Trump's "absurd third grade theatrics."

Said Coalition spokesperson nine year-old Madison Parker, "We third graders get good citizenship marks on our progress reports. We play well with others, cooperate with classmates, listen with our ears, don't call others bad names, and share our crayons. Cafeteria food fights are rare," she added. 

In fact, if grown-ups are looking for an age group to scapegoat when attempting to describe Trump's juvenile behavior, Parker suggested they look to junior high students. "My big brother is in seventh grade, and he is disrespectful and uses bad words," noted Parker.

"Do not!" shouted Tanner Parker from the back seat when reached for comment. 

"Do too!" Ms. Parker further claimed.

This latest controversy comes just one week after prison inmates rights activists demanded that Republicans stop characterizing Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton as a criminal. "She ain't one of us until that bitch be wearing an orange jump suit," insisted Robert Wayne Nix, who is currently serving time at a Federal SuperMax.

"Oooooh, he said a bad word!" Ms. Parker later observed in a email response sent from her mother's iPhone.

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