Saturday, March 12, 2016

Third Graders Push Back on Trump

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH--The National Coalition of American Third Graders released a statement this afternoon asking that political pundits refrain from comparing Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump to third graders. The Coalition's statement comes in apparent response to remarks made earlier in the day by former GOP nominee Mitt Romney at University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics Forum, when Romney referred to Trump's "absurd third grade theatrics."

Said Coalition spokesperson nine year-old Madison Parker, "We third graders get good citizenship marks on our progress reports. We play well with others, cooperate with classmates, listen with our ears, don't call others bad names, and share our crayons. Cafeteria food fights are rare," she added. 

In fact, if grown-ups are looking for an age group to scapegoat when attempting to describe Trump's juvenile behavior, Parker suggested they look to junior high students. "My big brother is in seventh grade, and he is disrespectful and uses bad words," noted Parker.

"Do not!" shouted Tanner Parker from the back seat when reached for comment. 

"Do too!" Ms. Parker further claimed.

This latest controversy comes just one week after prison inmates rights activists demanded that Republicans stop characterizing Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton as a criminal. "She ain't one of us until that bitch be wearing an orange jump suit," insisted Robert Wayne Nix, who is currently serving time at a Federal SuperMax.

"Oooooh, he said a bad word!" Ms. Parker later observed in a email response sent from her mother's iPhone.

Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

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