FURNACE CREEK, CA—In a surprise press conference late Thursday, Satan announced that the “Special Place in Hell” is now completely full.
Noting a dramatic increase in “mortals consigning each other to the innermost circle of eternal damnation,” the Devil said he had little choice but to close this most exclusive section of the netherworld for the foreseeable future.
Lucifer blamed social media—particularly Facebook and Twitter—for the spiraling numbers of humans bound for everlasting torment, as personal invective and vitriol descended to depths not seen since the last election.
“People don’t just unfriend—they condemn,” lamented the Prince of Darkness.
This past week’s controversy regarding immigration policy “was really just the final nail in the coffin,” he added.
The ageless catch-phrase “there’s a special place in hell for ____” gained new life in 2016 when former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, while stumping for presidential candidate Hilary Clinton, used the line to shame any woman who strayed from “I’m With Her” groupthink. More recently, Peter Navarro, trade advisor to President Trump, also claimed there was a special place in hell awaiting Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (although it was later pointed out that the PM already had to endure a concert by Canadian recording artists Nickleback).
Coveted space in the Special Place has long been reserved for hundreds of self-important celebrities, politicians from both parties, smug cable news commentators, and that complete tool driving the lifted pick-up truck tailgating you with his high-beams on.
But for now, the Devil is in the details, as he is faced with the daunting task of accommodating millions of souls elsewhere in Hades. “Those deemed to have committed less egregious offenses will be asked to wait in purgatory for several millennia,” explained Beelzebub. “But the more serious sinners will be forced to sit through an entire junior high school show choir recital.”
And for those merely unfriended on Facebook? They may just have to wait an eternity before they get their turn at “Wailing and gnashing of teeth.”
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