Trump to Nominate Guy Named Bob for Supreme Court

Washington, D.C.—In yet another apparent inexplicable reversal of political direction, President Trump has announced that he will forego selecting a traditional conservative to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, and instead submit as his nominee a guy named Bob.

No last name was given.

After Kennedy’s surprise announcement Wednesday, Republicans publicly rejoiced at the notion of consolidating conservative gains in the Supreme Court, only to see their hopes dashed when Trump Tweeted his intentions early Thursday morning.

Media outlets scrambled to find out more about the nominee’s legal and personal background but so far have come up with little. “We know his name is Bob, he lives in Topeka, Kansas, he’s married, has two kids, and mows his lawn every Saturday,” said Martin Baron, editor for the Washington Post. “He appears to be excruciatingly average.”

Democrats, who were giddy over the prospect of a bruising battle during confirmation hearings and the chance to further drag national discourse into the gutter, are likewise deeply disappointed.

“We were looking forward to dragging the nominee—any nominee—through the mud,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “His private sex life, brainless college term papers, grainy black and white photos of him checking into a motel with a transvestite hooker—any sordid tidbit was going to be fair game.”

California Congresswoman Maxine Waters postponed a press conference scheduled for later today, but those close to the Representative said she had planned to roll out a comprehensive program of relentless harassment consisting mostly of following the nominee around and shouting at him with a megaphone.

But in the absence of a polarizing nominee for the Supreme Court, both parties are at a lost as to what to do next.

When Trump first announced he would run for president as a Republican, many political observers were left scratching their heads. After all, his professed views on various issues seemed more of a pastiche of liberal, moderate, and conservative stances. Politco described his positions as "eclectic, improvisational and often contradictory.” And MSNBC host Joe Scarborough once commented that Trump is essentially more like a "centrist Democrat" on some key issues.

Now the nation is left guessing who and what Bob is.

#   #   #

Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

Satan Announces “Special Place in Hell” Completely Full

FURNACE CREEK, CA—In a surprise press conference late Thursday, Satan announced that the “Special Place in Hell” is now completely full.

Noting a dramatic increase in “mortals consigning each other to the innermost circle of eternal damnation,” the Devil said he had little choice but to close this most exclusive section of the netherworld for the foreseeable future.

Lucifer blamed social media—particularly Facebook and Twitter—for the spiraling numbers of humans bound for everlasting torment, as personal invective and vitriol descended to depths not seen since the last election.

“People don’t just unfriend—they condemn,” lamented the Prince of Darkness.

This past week’s controversy regarding immigration policy “was really just the final nail in the coffin,” he added.

The ageless catch-phrase “there’s a special place in hell for ____” gained new life in 2016 when former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, while stumping for presidential candidate Hilary Clinton, used the line to shame any woman who strayed from “I’m With Her” groupthink. More recently, Peter Navarro, trade advisor to President Trump, also claimed there was a special place in hell awaiting Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (although it was later pointed out that the PM already had to endure a concert by Canadian recording artists Nickleback).

Coveted space in the Special Place has long been reserved for hundreds of self-important celebrities, politicians from both parties, smug cable news commentators, and that complete tool driving the lifted pick-up truck tailgating you with his high-beams on.

But for now, the Devil is in the details, as he is faced with the daunting task of accommodating millions of souls elsewhere in Hades. “Those deemed to have committed less egregious offenses will be asked to wait in purgatory for several millennia,” explained Beelzebub. “But the more serious sinners will be forced to sit through an entire junior high school show choir recital.”

And for those merely unfriended on Facebook? They may just have to wait an eternity before they get their turn at “Wailing and gnashing of teeth.”

#   #   #

As reported by “I Just Drive a Truck.” For more information, read our apology and disclaimer here...

Fire Departments Take on Latest Diversity Challenge

SPADRA, CA—After two decades of successfully diversifying its ranks, the nation’s fire departments are now set to tackle the latest challenge when it comes to hiring practices.

“The humorless are still under-represented in fire departments across the county,” notes Peter Throckmorton, a human resources expert for the generational consulting firm of Weiner, Throckmorton & Franks.

Although municipal departments have steadily increased the number of minority and female members over the last 25 years, a recent study concludes that younger, humor-impaired employees still only represent a modest percentage of the total workforce.

“There’s no question about it—we have to do a better job,” concedes John Thomas, Fire Chief for the City of Spadra, California. 

But some legacy members seem resistant to change. “I’m not gonna lie to you, we had some good times back in the day,” reminisced Captain Geoffrey Simms. “Pranks, practical jokes, water buckets, crams, sarcasm, Pollack jokes—you name it.”

But Millennials apparently aren't having any of it. 

“Today’s twenty- and thirty-somethings are more brittle, more easily offended,” notes Throckmorton. “They grew up on soccer trophies, safe spaces, trigger warnings, safety pins—all of that. Their parents and teachers assured them they were precious and special, so Millennials get confused and even butt-hurt if they get Miller-boarded,” he says, referring to a time-honored fire service initiation ritual that has all but disappeared.

And offending the humorless can be costly.

“We’re getting our asses sued off,” said one city official who asked to remain anonymous, but whose name is Norma A. Smith, a secretary in the legal department. “We just can’t afford humor anymore.”

Conceded Throckmorton, “It’s true that the humorless are naturally more litigious. But that doesn’t mean agencies shouldn't aggressively pursue them in the hiring process.”

To that end, Spadra City Fire has joined hundreds of other departments nationwide in developing finely-tuned and specifically targeted outreach programs and offering special workshops in an effort to attract more humorless prospects. In fact, that department’s program is headed by Firefighter Scot Erickson, who is himself humor-impaired. 

“We’re setting up recruiting booths at college campuses, yoga classes, whole food groceries, Bernie Sanders rallies, and even local Starbucks,” says Erikson, who is genetically unable to detect irony. “Any venue where Jerry Seinfeld or Chris Rock lost a booking, we definitely take a closer look.”

Will it work?

Chief Thomas is optimistic. After all, he says, “The humorless are our future.”

#   #   #

As reported by “I Just Drive a Truck.” For more information, read our apology and disclaimer here...

Firefighter Stuck in Tree Calls Cat for Rescue

MOUNT LEE, CA--In an ironic twist to an age-old story, an off-duty firefighter trimming a tree in his backyard became stuck and had to call his cat for help.

Aaron Stott, a veteran firefighter/paramedic for the City of Mount Lee, was thinning out the uppermost branches of a 40 foot-tall eucalyptus tree when the ladder he had propped up against the trunk shifted and fell to the ground, stranding the rescue worker high above in the canopy.

“My heart just sunk,” said Stott.

He attempted to call out for his wife but realized she was inside their home doing mat pilates while blasting to the “Fifty Shades Darker” soundtrack on her iPod earbuds. Only the family cat, Mister Whiskers, loitered below at the base of the tree.

“So I’m like, ‘Mister Whiskers, go get your mom!’” explained Stott.

At first the six year-old siamese simply sat down and started grooming himself. But after about a half hour of imploring the cat to get help and tossing twigs at it, Stott says the tabby finally wandered over to the screen door at the rear of the house and started meowing.

Unfortunately, when his distracted wife opened the backdoor, Stott could only watch on helplessly as the cat then sat down and waited to either be let back out or let back in. This continued for about another hour until the cat ran after a butterfly. It was only then that Stott’s wife Cindy notice her husband high up in the eucalyptus.

“He’s an idiot,” said Cindy Stott, who placed the ladder back against the tree, enabling her exhausted and embarrassed husband to climb down. “I told him to hire an arborist.”

#   #   #

As reported by “I Just Drive a Truck.” For more information, read our apology and disclaimer here...

Fire Department Responds to Mass Casualty Incident after Academy Awards

HOLLYWOOD—City Fire units responded to multiple 911 calls at the Dolby Theater immediately following the 89th Academy Awards ceremony on Sunday night in what quickly became a “mass casualty incident,” according to department spokesman Ryan Humphreys.

The Fire Department’s dispatch center was inundated with frantic calls placed from backstage even as the final credits rolled. When units arrived on scene, fire crews found dozens of celebrities in the wings, proscenium, and even wandering the stage itself complaining of various minor injuries and medical issues resulting from a protracted night of self-congratulation and mutual adulation. 

“It was complete chaos backstage,” Humphreys said of the horrific scene. 

Fire officials immediately declared a mass casualty incident, established unified command, and began triaging the human carnage.

“We had dozens of celebrities with severely dislocated shoulders from patting themselves on the back all night, an actress who reported being short of breath after delivering a long-winded acceptance speech vilifying President Trump, an actor whose delicate hand was crushed when he accepted a congratulatory handshake from a real man, and even a PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant who was pale, cool, and diaphoretic,” said Humpreys. “The accountant had also lost bowel control,” he grimly added.

The entire cast and crew of “La La Land” suffered a syncopal event after they won and then quickly lost the award for Best Picture and producer Jordan Horowitz announced the wrong envelope had been read.

Late, unconfirmed reports stated that presenter Warren Beatty nearly died of embarrassment and is now on life support at Cedars Sinai Medical Center.

Even those not directly involved in the show’s embarrassing finale complained that the last two minutes were “excruciatingly painful to watch” and had to be transported to a nearby hospital for evaluation.

The confused awards show host Jimmy Kimmel attempted to render aid but it quickly became apparent that neither he nor any other of the Hollywood celebrities present had any actual, useful, real-world skills.

“It was insane,” said Humpreys. “Every year the Detroit Fire Department bitches about the devastation on ‘Devil’s Night’ but they have no idea what a bloodbath the Academy Awards is.”

#   #   #

As reported by “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

As Inauguration Looms, High Rise Owners Brace for Record Number of Suicides

New York—Soon after the Black Thursday stock market crash of October 1929 that triggered this country’s Great Depression, popular humorist Will Rogers quipped that “"When Wall Street took that tail spin, you had to stand in line to get a window to jump out of.”

Now it seems as if history may repeat itself.

With the inauguration of Donald Trump less than a month away, property management companies for high rise buildings across the country have reported a significant spike in suicide-related inquiries.

From New York to San Francisco, landlords for some of the nation’s tallest apartment, hotel, and office space skyscrapers have been inundated daily with phone calls from distraught liberals asking about access to top story windows and rooftop penthouses.

“It’s been non-stop since November,” said Ahmed Kazari, owner of the Manhattan-based First Step Properties Group. “They want to know how many stories our buildings are, if the windows can be easily opened, if there’s a ledge—that sort of thing.”

Mental health experts speculate that this looming uptick in suicides may be exacerbated by the more recent phenomenon of short-term rental apps such as AirBnB, by providing easily accessible, modestly-priced alternatives to leasing office space or checking into upscale hotels. 

One Upper East Side home-sharing host became alarmed when a Clinton supporter called, sobbing. “The renter said the window sash was stuck and she wouldn’t be able to squeeze through on January 20th,” reported Émile Durkheim, who sublets his Fifth Avenue loft boasting a breath-taking view of New York’s Central Park. “Obviously she had been drinking a lot of Napa Valley Single Oak Reserve, so I called the police immediately.”

Not one to miss out on a lucrative business opportunity, the president-elect himself is offering attractive package deals and price-per-square foot discounts at Trump Tower in Midtown. The 58-story mixed-use skyscraper “affords the perfect location for your final destination,” claims the newest promotional brochure.

At the Centers for Disease Control, analysts are projecting a giant leap in suicide rates for January, but concede that there may be little they can do to prevent it. “The safety pins just aren’t working,” said one grim-faced psychiatrist.

In major metropolitan centers across the country, similar stories of suicide-related inquiries have been reported—sometimes with a regional twist. In Seattle, prospective jumpers have voiced concern that seasonal rainfall may make precipices prematurely slippery. Heavy rains may make it difficult for individuals to pause for final reflection on building ledges, as that Northwest city typically averages 5.2 inches of precipitation in January.

In the uber-liberal beach town of Santa Monica, California, Hollywood executives scramble for space at the relatively few buildings over three stories in height. “I may have to go further inland,” lamented one screenwriter and early Bernie Sanders supporter who asked to remain anonymous. “I really wanted that ocean view.” 

High rises in Century City, Mid-Wilshire, and even Pico-Robertson are all being considered as viable options for Democrats and Green Party voters who procrastinated on their exit plans.

Authorities in San Francisco, Chicago, Boston, and Burlington are likewise bracing for a busy New Year.

Still, many people in those demographics dismissed by openly contemptuous political strategists and smarmy media talking heads during the past election season seem largely unmoved regarding the potential fallout. Millions of voters living in the so-called “fly-over states” say they find it difficult to muster much sympathy. 

“They’re welcome to cling to my Bible on their way down,” said one Wisconsin resident.

###

Brought to you by: “I Just Drive a Truck: Running Over Political Correctness, One Lug Nut at a Time.” For more info, read my apology, disclaimer, and lame excuses here...

Voter Fraud Scheme Elects Dead Candidate

DENVER, CO—A voter fraud scheme in Colorado appears to have backfired on the perpetrators, after hundreds of registered dead voters cast ballots for Shane Walsh in that state’s senate race instead of incumbent Democrat Felicia Torres.

Democrats have long dismissed GOP concern over voter fraud, election tampering, and voter ID safeguards, and openly ridiculed party leaders who have called for investigations. “The whole thing is preposterous,” said Huffington Post contributor Daylin Leach in a recent column.

But an actual journalist working for CBS affiliate KCNC-TV in Denver has uncovered multiple instances of dead citizens voting months, and in some cases even years, after their deaths, a revelation that calls into question safeguards designed to prevent such occurrences.

Reporter Brian Maass pointed out that voter fraud is important because often times a race is decided by a slim margin. In 2002 for example, Colorado’s 7th Congressional district came down to 121 votes out of more than 175,000 that were cast.

In this year’s hotly contested senate race, sitting Democrat Felicia Torres was in a virtual dead heat with her Republican challenger, who has run on a platform of lower taxes and healthcare reform.

Democratic party operatives with close ties to Torres believed they had secured the votes of hundreds of dead people, but the reanimated zombies broke with the liberal party line and instead cast ballots for former King County Sheriff’s deputy and fellow walker Shane Walsh.

“Well, we didn’t see that coming,” said one campaign staffer being led away in handcuffs.

Walsh was unavailable for comment.

(CBS4’s Brian Maass confronts voter fraud suspect Sarilu Sosa-Sanchez)