Friday, July 13, 2018

SCOTUS Nominee Brett Kavanaugh Seen Using Plastic Straw

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Nominee for the Supreme Court of the United States Brett Kavanaugh was spotted using a plastic, non-biodegradable drinking straw late Thursday, a development which automatically disqualifies him for the post claims Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer.

Kavanaugh, who is in town visiting lawmakers in advance of confirmation hearings later this fall, was photographed tentatively sipping on a large Diet Coke from a clear plastic straw apparently purchased from a local McDonald’s using a maxed-out credit card. 

He was quickly surrounded by an angry, chanting crowd led by U.S. Representative Maxine Waters, who used a megaphone to straw-shame the judge. “The straw dogma lives loudly within him,” she angrily claimed at a press conference later.

On Monday, Starbucks, the nation’s largest food and drink retailer, announced that it would no longer use straws. Instead, patrons ordering a Venti Iced Skinny Hazelnut Macchiato, Sugar-Free Syrup, Extra Shot, Light Ice, No Whip, will be served the beverage in an all-plastic double-walled sippy cup. 

Local 3 year-olds could not be reached for comment. 

"This is a significant milestone to achieve our global aspiration of sustainable coffee, served to our customers in more sustainable ways," said a Starbucks spokesperson. “Oh, and, Judge Kavanaugh is a racist, sexist, Nazi, Catholic, homophobe who threatens to destroy the very fabric of our nation,” she added.

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